Dear Tom,
I know it has been awhile since I've written you.
My sis took my crayons and paper that I write to you on.
Remember how I drew those pictures of you and I together?
We were on a beach somewhere, Toledo probably.
Oh Toledo, Ohio in general, how I love thee too, let me count the ways,
1......2.......3.......
But back to you Tom, my Tom, not a day goes by that I do not wonder what you are doing. I peek at the rags, to see if they have any stories about you, but seemingly you have fell off their radar mostly, but not mine, you're still there, in my heart.
My sis tells me, "He doesn't read your letters!! Gawd!!! Why don't you write like RuPaul??"
I've tried, I really have. RuPaul wrote back once, it was a nice letter, she kissed it, down where she or more like, her assistant had signed her name,
"With feelings, RuPaul..."
With feelings, oh Tom, how I wish you would write me back, with feelings, with heart felt love, friends forever, maybe even more, oh how I wish you would write me back, not like William Shatner though, with that restraining order.
Those things suck.
All I wrote to him was his attempt at Cyberpunk novels were lame.
He should write "My Little Pony" fan fiction.
He'd done better with those, probably gotten a movie out of it, starring you, Tom, of course you.
William Shatner's lawyers told me, or the judge, I forget, that I was a menance to society, not in the hard way like Ice Cube was, but more like that stalker killing a bunny and leaving it on someone's door step with a note that reads, "Unlike this bunny, my love for you will never die....."
Oh Tom, it's true, my love for you will never die, even when you make those awful movies, where you try really hard to save them, but the script writers, those awful beasts, just cannot write the lines for you, but I could.
So my dearest Tom, I shall finish this letter, with heartfelt tears in my eyes, as I sign my name, with feelings,
Bob X. Williams
AKA,
Your biggest fan.....
When you want the news, you can go to them other sites, but when you want some real fake news, well, you can go to those other sites too!!!
Saturday, February 2, 2019
Tuesday, September 25, 2018
GET OUT THE VOTE - MID-TERM ELECTIONS 2018 - Lesbian Lunch Reviews the Candidates so you don't have to!!
September 25th, 2018 - SPECIAL EDITION
I am reminded today by the numerous attempts by the Internet that election time is soon upon us and we, as good citizens of the U.S. of Fucking A (AMERICA! FUCK YEA!!!) we should register, if we're not already, to vote and when the time comes, we should get out there and vote!!!
(If you are buried in any cemetery within the states of Illinois, Kansas, or Florida, don't worry, you're registered and your vote will be counted for whomever the governor says should get the vote!! Even in death, your vote matters!!)
To those readers outside the U.S. don't worry, you'll learn something in this issue as well, mostly that the United States might blow smoke up your ass saying it's the greatest country in the entire world but in reality, we're just as fucked up as you!!!
So, you've registered to vote and are wondering, "Now what?"
You get to vote for one of two, maybe more, cobras that you want to bite you, or represent you at the big house in the Land of Oz.
Doesn't that sound like fun?
No?
Lets begin.
Here in my state, we have a U.S. House (District 3) spot on the ballot.
John A Yarmuth (Incumbent - that means he likes it up the butt a lot - and he's a Democrat which means he likes to give you icky candy when you go to his house on Halloween!! Kids, we don't like Democrats do we? "NO!!!")
 |
| John A. Yarmuth has just farted. |
Gregory Boles (Another no photo please. Sometimes kids we get an L in the mix. These are known as No chance in Hell to win but hey look mom, I'M ON TV!!!! Libertarians are the Devil's anal toys!! "What kind of candy do they give out?" They don't, they give out toothbrushes!! "EWW!!" )
So let us delve deep into the candidates, John A. Yarmuth was born in Louisville, Kentucky in 1947.
He's old!
He also likes to eat babies and devour their souls.
How do we know?
We've seen him doing it.
Vickie Yates Brown lives in Louisville, Kentucky. No birthday but she graduated high school in 1972 and college in 1976.
You know what that means, right kids?
"She works as a health insurance lawyer?"
Yep!!!
Gregory Boles is a mystery. Like his photo at Ballotpedia, his profile there is empty which means we get to go Google and see if we can find something to write about him (don't believe, GO LOOK!! https://ballotpedia.org/Gregory_Boles )
And the only thing we find is his "Website", at Facebook. (https://www.facebook.com/GregoryBolesforUSDistrict3/ ) So. Uh. Gregory Boles is running and welp, that's fine with us!!
(Psst. Gregory, I think you may want to hire a new campaign manager, your mom is senile and well, your brother died in 1982!!!! Yeah could be the wrong person, Google is sometimes scary about that!!!)
So now the real fun begins --- WHO TO VOTE FOR??
"Gin?"
Good answer kid!! Correcto!!!!
Good night and have a better tomorrow!!!!
Sunday, September 23, 2018
Breaking news - KAVANAUGH SUPREME COURT JUSTICE OR USED CAR SALESMAN?
(Would you buy a used car from this man?)
BRETT KAVANAUGH: a look inside the man behind the allegations
We here at Lesbian Lunch know when to jump on a story and we believe the time is now to jump on the band wagon and write our five cents on the nominee for supreme court justice.
Most times, these hearings are very boring, to the point we fall asleep at the first ding of the bell and wake up after hearing the words, HEY CLARENCE THOMAS, WE GOT A NEW SEX PREDATOR FOR YOU TO PLAY BRIDGE WITH!!!
I do know that being a justice is a big responsibility and being that the position is basically, TILL DEATH DO WE PART, it kind of nice to explore the background of a potential justice thoroughly, probably better than we vent our choices for presidents.
"Is he a serial killer?" IF YES, PLEASE MOVE ONTO THE NEXT CHOICE
So as of this writing, at least three people have stepped forward accusing Brett of some bad things.
Sexual assault among them.
When I was in school, I was taught that sexual assault ala rape and such were very bad.
"No try to stick your penis in someone who doesn't want it!" my teacher said before turning on the film, "NO TRY TO STICK YOUR PENIS IN SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT IT!!!"
It pretty simple of a motto but some people fail to follow it.
One of his accusers, Christine Blasey Ford, will testify Thursday in an open hearing.
This is good news.
But there's people out there who say, "She's a liar!! Why didn't she report this 35 years ago when it happened?"
Maybe because she was too ashamed of having this event, even though it wasn't her fault, happen to her.
Maybe she was afraid people would call her a liar.
Maybe she is a liar and just wants to destroy this man's life and reputation.
Who knows but lets be given the chance to hear the evidence.
If it's not the truth, then, HELLO YOUR HONOR KAVANAUGH!!! CLARENCE IS IN THE BACK.....
But if it is the truth, lets find out now, before we anoint him and are stuck with him, the only way to get rid of him is by hiring a hit man named Freddy No-Nose!!
"Why ain't he got no nose?"
Stuck it into too many places it didn't belong!!
They should do that with people who try to stick their penises into people who don't want their dick inside of them!!
I know, crude, but true!!!
And that's my five cents. Don't like it, GET YOUR OWN NEWS SITE AND WRITE STUPID SHIT!!!
Tuesday, September 11, 2018
9/11 REMEMBERED - 17 YEARS LATER - WHAT WE HAVE BECOME
September 11th, 2018 - WE REMEMBER - AND DRINK BEER!!
We remember 9/11 - by watching a Keeping up with The Kardashians marathon on E! Thanks E! for remembering what this day is about!! WE LOVE YOU KIM! NEVER BE AFRAID!!!
Today is September 11th, 2018 - 17 years ago today alien butt babies sent planes into the Trade Towers - it was an event that made Americans come together as a country and for a few days, we told each other we wouldn't forget.
We here at Lesbian Lunch remember where we were when the planes hit.
We were asleep.
Night shifts at a casino can drain you.
My wife was at work; she called me.
"Go watch the TV! We're being attacked!"
I fumbled down the stairs to the ground floor and turned on the TV; watching the first plane fly into the Tower on repeat.
Then, on live TV, I watched the second plane maneuver its way into history.
I sat there shocked; almost trembling as the day continued on.
I remember the quietness of the skies as plane flights were grounded; not a plane flew, except some Saudi princes, buddies with the Bushes.
Then, we got mad; we wanted revenge on the dirty bastards who attacked us, and we also wanted to bring Democracy to these savages.
(Yes, we here at Lesbian Lunch realize that the United States of America are not a true democracy but a state ran by old men in too tight underwear who desperately need a blow job so very very bad who are picked by a drunken goat shitting on a big piece of butcher paper!!)
Of course, it took a few years for us to invade a country.
"We invaded Saudi Arabia right? Them bastards with their smug terrorists hijacking our planes, slamming them into our pretty towers!!!"
Nope; we decided to invade Iraq because well, we kinda liked Saudi Arabia, we tickled their balls with our tongues.
And Iraq was ready to be filled with DEMOCRACY!!
"Weapons of Mass Destruction!!" was screamed from senators to citizens (I didn't, I said, this is kind of stupid! When are we going to invade Detroit so we can rebuild them? My senator replied -- WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!! IRAQ HAZ EM!!! I was the odd man out in my groups of friends, I didn't see what Iraq and its dictator had to do with 9/11 - we were better off with him in power as he was crazy enough to keep the other nutball terrorists out of his country. You don't go into a place that the leader nerve gases his own people; kills his family just because they didn't buy the wrong kind of toilet paper!)
We knocked Iraqi's door in; killed the bastard dictator and in one swell swoop, we brought democracy to Iraq.
Where there was homes; businesses; whorehouses, etc. we replaced them with democracy. (Read bomb craters)
Were the citizens of Iraq appreciative of our democracy?
Some were; others weren't too much and without the crazy dictator in charge, another set of crazies came in and tried to destroy the democracy we had put into place.
(Yes, a simplified history of the war but hell, close enough for government standards!!)
Soon, we saw everything was awesome - Iraq had a Walmart, no not a very good Walmart, but it was there and we decided other countries deserved to have Democracy rammed down their unappreciative throats; did we invade Detroit?
No, Detroit couldn't handle the Democracy but Afghanistan could!!
So with a song in our heart; we went there.
And they were as appreciative as Iraq!
And democracy flowed from their butts!!
"Can we not have so much democracy? Please!?"
We said no!! DEMOCRACY may hurt but afterwards, the bleeding MAY stop.
Course in today's 20 second sound clip attention span of the typical American, we have forgotten that so much democracy has been built and today; we stand solemnly at attention, remembering the nearly 3000 Americans killed but forgetting the millions killed in retribution or as we call it, WE BRINGING YOU DEMOCRACY!!!
Never forget.
Never forget.
Kim Kardashian will bring her marketing to you soon Peru!
Good night and have a better tomorrow!
9/11 REMEMBERED - 17 YEARS LATER - WHAT WE HAVE BECOME
We remember 9/11 - by watching a Keeping up with The Kardashians marathon on E! Thanks E! for remembering what this day is about!! WE LOVE YOU KIM! NEVER BE AFRAID!!!
Today is September 11th, 2018 - 17 years ago today alien butt babies sent planes into the Trade Towers - it was an event that made Americans come together as a country and for a few days, we told each other we wouldn't forget.
We here at Lesbian Lunch remember where we were when the planes hit.
We were asleep.
Night shifts at a casino can drain you.
My wife was at work; she called me.
"Go watch the TV! We're being attacked!"
I fumbled down the stairs to the ground floor and turned on the TV; watching the first plane fly into the Tower on repeat.
Then, on live TV, I watched the second plane maneuver its way into history.
I sat there shocked; almost trembling as the day continued on.
I remember the quietness of the skies as plane flights were grounded; not a plane flew, except some Saudi princes, buddies with the Bushes.
Then, we got mad; we wanted revenge on the dirty bastards who attacked us, and we also wanted to bring Democracy to these savages.
(Yes, we here at Lesbian Lunch realize that the United States of America are not a true democracy but a state ran by old men in too tight underwear who desperately need a blow job so very very bad who are picked by a drunken goat shitting on a big piece of butcher paper!!)
Of course, it took a few years for us to invade a country.
"We invaded Saudi Arabia right? Them bastards with their smug terrorists hijacking our planes, slamming them into our pretty towers!!!"
Nope; we decided to invade Iraq because well, we kinda liked Saudi Arabia, we tickled their balls with our tongues.
And Iraq was ready to be filled with DEMOCRACY!!
"Weapons of Mass Destruction!!" was screamed from senators to citizens (I didn't, I said, this is kind of stupid! When are we going to invade Detroit so we can rebuild them? My senator replied -- WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!! IRAQ HAZ EM!!! I was the odd man out in my groups of friends, I didn't see what Iraq and its dictator had to do with 9/11 - we were better off with him in power as he was crazy enough to keep the other nutball terrorists out of his country. You don't go into a place that the leader nerve gases his own people; kills his family just because they didn't buy the wrong kind of toilet paper!)
We knocked Iraqi's door in; killed the bastard dictator and in one swell swoop, we brought democracy to Iraq.
Where there was homes; businesses; whorehouses, etc. we replaced them with democracy. (Read bomb craters)
Were the citizens of Iraq appreciative of our democracy?
Some were; others weren't too much and without the crazy dictator in charge, another set of crazies came in and tried to destroy the democracy we had put into place.
(Yes, a simplified history of the war but hell, close enough for government standards!!)
Soon, we saw everything was awesome - Iraq had a Walmart, no not a very good Walmart, but it was there and we decided other countries deserved to have Democracy rammed down their unappreciative throats; did we invade Detroit?
No, Detroit couldn't handle the Democracy but Afghanistan could!!
So with a song in our heart; we went there.
And they were as appreciative as Iraq!
And democracy flowed from their butts!!
"Can we not have so much democracy? Please!?"
We said no!! DEMOCRACY may hurt but afterwards, the bleeding MAY stop.
Course in today's 20 second sound clip attention span of the typical American, we have forgotten that so much democracy has been built and today; we stand solemnly at attention, remembering the nearly 3000 Americans killed but forgetting the millions killed in retribution or as we call it, WE BRINGING YOU DEMOCRACY!!!
Never forget.
Never forget.
Kim Kardashian will bring her marketing to you soon Peru!
Good night and have a better tomorrow!
Monday, September 10, 2018
BREAKING NEWS - PROSTITUTE FLORENCE BARRELS TOWARDS US AS SOUTH CAROLINA ORDERS EVACUATION OF ENTIRE COAST
BREAKING NEWS - PROSTITUTE FLORENCE BARRELS TOWARDS US AS SOUTH CAROLINA ORDERS EVACUATION OF ENTIRE COAST
BY WINSTON C.
SEPTEMBER 10TH, 2018 - Somewhere on the Moon!!
This just in, FLASH!!!! Prostitute Florence barrels towards US as South Carolina orders entire coast to run, flee, to the safest spot, probably Fargo, North Dakota.
There could also be a very intense hurricane heading that way as well; we're not sure, our weather app is broken and our weather man is on vacation till the 20th.
We'll try to get back to you then.
Until then, according to the National Weather Service: GET THE FUCK OUT NOW!! Don't play hero.
"But my mom needs me!! She can't swim too good and neither can I but we gotta try to save the house our grandfather built with his very own penis!!"
The hell??
We're serious but if you can't, for whatever reason, get out, here's some advice before the storm hits ---
1. If you find yourself under water; just breathe in, and feel the water rush in, and good night my friend.
2. Sharks and such love you; let them dine on your spleen.
3. We have no idea what the rest are, we're just making shit up at this point.
By the way, we don't have a weather man, we just watch the weather channel and then cut and paste whatever they say, and they basically saying, RUN YOU DUMB FUCKS!!!!!
Good night and have a better tomorrow!!!!!
Friday, September 7, 2018
A OPINION PIECE NOT WORTH READING - MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN - BUY CHINESE!
MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN - BUY CHINESE!
by
Randall D. Pirate
"Back when I was a kid, we pledge an allegiance to the United States of America the flag and for which it stand, STAND!!!! No kneeling!! We didn't even kneel when we got our knees shot off in W.W.II!!" screams Joe Q. Public (not Pubic Mr. Spell check, that's for a different story!!!)
So apparently, Nike has decided to use the face of the other side of the whole kneel thing in their new ads which have triggered off Joe in a fit of burning their Nike shoes (please read - SHOES THEY ALREADY BOUGHT!!! Dear Protesting No Good Commies - it doesn't really hurt the company if you burn stuff you've bought, you've contributed to the bottom line already!!! Stay in school kids, DON'T DO DRUGS!!!!) and boycotting Nike, the NFL and possibly for some strange reason, sexy underwear.
"Only commies and queers wear sexy underwear!! Jesus didn't wear sexy underwear!!" Joe screams.
These protesters, both sides, are always screaming.
"Jesus didn't wear any underwear!" I throw back.
"Then all underwear is evil!!!" Joe screams back.
A few years ago, before the current administration was even a fart on the political scene (the current prez was busily bankrupting casinos and whorehouses! We here at Lesbian Lunch didn't even realize it was possible to do that but....well.....), I was walking through Walmart with my wife.
I like to walk through Walmart and scare the locals with my stories about my ingrown penis.
I would have been proud to wear such a shirt as I too was MADE IN AMERICA!
But before I placed the item in my shopping cart; I checked the label.
'Made in China' read the tag.
I will also admit here I had a few beers in me as only a drunken man can pass through the doors of Walmart without turning into a pile of stones, I soon began to chant,
"MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN - BUY CHINESE!!"
(Note - I know, I should have trademarked that shit! I'd be rich now!)
My wife tried to shh me but I would not be shhed!!!
(Why do women do that? Trying to shh the beginning of a movement!!)
Soon, a group gathered around me; demanding to see the Manager, who, by this time was locked securely in his office.
"There's a riot!!" he told the police over the phone. "They're demanding to release the dogs of war or something!!"
And we burned that mofo down; because that's what truly makes America great, burning down stores in protest and then wondering, "WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO SHOP NOW??"
(Notes to rioters - don't burn down your neighborhood, cause, well, where you going to sleep if you burn your own bed, go to like the rich side of town, burn their stuff!!!)
Though security did escort me out but I digress.
I think what pisses me off more than anything is what I like to call "Fake Patriots", those people who think they are so awesome because they said the Pledge of Allegiance in the 4th grade, like putting your hand over your heart and pledging, under God or Hank the Christmas Poo, makes you more American.
What if you; Mr. America, was pledging your allegiance to a flag, that idol of America's awesomeness, made in China?
Go check the label on your flag; I'll wait.
Isn't that awesome?
While you shun a "commie" for kneeling during the National Anthem, a commie is making your flag, probably spitting on it too (got to oil the sewing needles some how, right? God bless Spit!!)
Where the hell is your outrage over that?
COMMIES ARE MAKING YOUR FLAG, YOUR SHIRTS, YOUR HATS, etc.
"No way!! My Prezadent tolls me, MAGA hat was made in Ohio!!!"
Even scarier, sadder, is, yes, technically, the hat was "Assembled" in America; out of items made in Pakistanitan or other places unpronounceable by human tongue! and then shipped over here to be "MADE IN THE USA"
And again, this isn't a dig at the current administration, this has been going on for a long time.
And where was your outrage when "America's Beer" was bought out, leaving us without a "TRUE AMERICAN BEER"; all owned by oversea companies.
It's true!! There's no American beer.
Why aren't you calling for NASCAR to say stuff about that but "OH JESUS!!! THAT GUY BE KNEELING!!!! WE OUTRAGED!!!"
If you're going to be outraged, be outraged over the fact that the "Native Americas" who claim to be "The Original People!" are in fact, more than likely Russians!!
They came over on the land bridges and stole this land from the dinosaurs!!
Don't believe me?
Google it!!!
SEE!!!???
Where is your outrage now?
Until next time; don't eat the yellow snow, it probably isn't lemon!!
Thursday, September 6, 2018
SENATOR WARREN SAYS IT'S TIME TO USE A FIFTH OF JACK TO REMOVE TRUMP FROM OFFICE
SENATOR WARREN SAYS IT'S TIME TO USE A FIFTH OF JACK TO REMOVE TRUMP FROM OFFICE
By Dick Johnson
(We really only have one guy sitting in his living room but we're trying to look professional - like CNN or Fox or the Penny Saver!)
September 6th, 2018 - 7:48 PM - Updated: 7:53 pm
(We didn't really update nothing. We're just bored and feel like adding a new article to our newest site!!! HI!! Like the new header? I made it with Photoshop CS2 and some porn!!!)
So it's 8:08 PM, the editor is snoozing at his desk and here I, some lone blogger, that last man at the typewriter cruises the Internet looking for a news story to put up on the site.
Elizabeth Warren, senator from the great state of What, thinks it's time for President Donald Trump to be removed from office, utilizing the rarely used fifth of Jack Daniels kept in the Lincoln bedroom, in the closet used by Warren G. Harding for his romps with some aliens he met from Mars.
True story.
Go Google it.
Amazing right?
According to CNN, a known #FakeNews site with a bigger readership than us, so therefore we steal their quotes, Senator Warren was heard saying,
"We'll shove this bottle right up his butt and throw him on a train heading to Cleveland!!"
We tried to get verification of this quote but that requires actually leaving our nice soft chair and heading over to the TV over in the corner, so we'll just say, it sounds like something she would say.
Donald Trump, spending some time out in Montana for his MY ASS GAINING AGE crusade, was quoted as saying, "Cleveland? CLEVELAND!? I GOT YOUR CLEVELAND RIGHT HERE!!" and grabbed his crotch in the universal sign that loosely translates into "BITE ME!"
Mike Pence, who we are trying to get to write an op piece for us, told us, "He said it!! I heard it!!!!"
And that's all the verification we need.
In other news, here's a pic of Warren G. Harding -----
HISTORY LESSON!! HISTORY LESSON!!!!
As stolen from Google because why the hell not!!! We <3 Google!!
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